Anger Sadness Frustraton Confusion

all mixed into one person...

ARGH!!!! Mel, why did you have to do this to us?

:-(

Skipping beats

My heart seems to be skipping beats today....I dont' know why. I didn't drink much alcohol yesterday and I'm not particularly tired. Possibly it was the hot ride in this morning with all the smog. My heart kind of has an extra long pause between beats, and then a really strong beat which makes me feel like I'm getting a headrush. I've had it before and it goes away, but usually either after I've had way too much to drink, or if I've done abnormally large amounts of exercise that day (the first time it happened was after two days of biking 360 km. I was really freaked out that time.)

hmm...I wonder if it could be stress related?

Marc

Anger

Well....CC's break period went by with no call or contact for me. That one mass mail was all I heard. Now instead of confused and puzzled, I am just plain pissed off. I feel like I've done everything I can for this relationship to work, and yet on her side there seems to be very little effort at all. I don't need this kind of relationship. There has to be some work on both sides, and I've tried my hardest to tell her that, and done what I can to make it as easy as possible for her, even to the point of mentioning that I would like maybe a personal email from time to time when she sends her mass mails....I think as her boyfriend I deserve at least that. When she calls instead that's fine. But often I don't even get that, or she calls a couple of days after sending the mass mail. And when I don't hear anything for her entire break period...well, let's just say that if she is going to be like this whenever we have to go long distance, I don't want to and can't live like this.

I am going to wait until we talk on the phone to voice my concerns...and maybe make her realize that she is screwing up our relationship, if she is not already aware of that. That will probably not be before Friday, which sucks. In the mean time it is hard to think about anything else.

Calm Pool by Raging Torrent

A place called Sahalie Falls in the Willamette National Forest in Oregon. This is a little tiny pool beside a raging torrent, where the water kind of just flowed in from the right, then did a u-turn and out a bit lower down. I liked the green and the shape of the pool.

From the Archives

I don't know if I've ever posted these photos on here before...I think not, but I can never be sure, since I don't know how to brows the photos that I've posted. Any suggestions on how to do that?

Also, I seem to have acquired at least two repeat visitors from various parts of Canada (besides my friends that I've told about this of course.) ...Imagine my surprise! :-D My friends from the Great White North and Quebec, thanks for reading, and feel free to leave a message! :-)

Toronto is a great city....but I don't use it!

I've realized I haven't been to a single one of the great events that happens in Toronto all summer long. There are so many great things going on in this city....but I can't be bothered or don't have time to go to them! There's a great jazz festival going on, there was another one before that in June I think, there are concerts and artistic things going on....
oh wait, there was one thing I did, I went to see photos during the Contact Photo Festival. That was pretty neat. But that was in May, and May isn't summer yet.

Anyway, I guess I just have a routine...get up, go to work, climb, go home, with some biking thrown in there, see some friends once in a while...and altogether I suppose I'm not too unhappy like this.

In other news, Cervelo (famous bike designer based in Toronto) called yesterday and asked me if I was still interested in applying for the job I'd asked about, that of 'Principal Engineer'(!!!!!!) I can't even imagine myself as a principal engineer, I have no clue why they'd hire me as one. But anyway, the HR lady called and asked if I was still interested in applying (yes, duh!), and later in an email told me to call back today and "leave a message for [her], explaining what [I] have to offer Cervelo that is uniquely valuable." EEEK! Over the phone with her it just sounded like she wanted me to call and tell her if I was still interested...didn't mention anything about a message cover letter! Anyway, that was the most stressful message I've ever left on a machine...never has there been so much pressure!

The TTC is a piece of shit

I hate the TTC. I left home on course to catch the 10 am 105 bus from Downsview station. Things were looking good all the way up, with 5 minutes left at the entrance to the station (the train goes from being above ground to being underground about 500 metres from the actual stop)....then....the train stopped, and stood there...moved a bit, stopped again. This lasted exactly 5 minutes. I ran out of the train and to the bus platforms at 10:00:36, and both buses I could have taken (105 or 117) were gone, and the next one would only be in 20 minutes!!!!!!! I was fuming, and kicking things, and I spent the next 20 minutes cursing how stupid the TTC is, especially the design of the station which doesn't allow trains to bypass each other easily. Trains waiting to get into the station ahve to wait for the trains inside to get out. There is no extra rail at the end or anything to make this smoother and more efficient. The engineer who designed that stop was wrong!!

argh...the stupid TTC wasted 30 minutes of my life, and that's a lot when you have a masters to finish. Why did it have to rain today? My bike would have been much faster.

:-(

CC hasn't called in quite a while, and it's starting to wear me down. Especially since I know she is on break right now. She sent out a mass mail with a link to a photo web site for all her photos, but didn't even send me even a little personal note. It makes me feel that I am no different to her than everyone she is sending it to as well. Am I right to feel a bit...ignored? Am I no different anymore? Have we been apart for too long with no contact? She checks her email where there is a phone, and she's called me from there before. It was a bit late when she was there, but she knows I don't mind being woken up....yet no call.

:-(

Why did she pick this site with no phone? :-( I told her before she chose it that I thought it would be better to have a reliable phone connection.

:-(

198!!!!!

As I celebrated my 99th post rather than my 100th, now I celebrate my 198th! WOOHOO!

Happy 198th, Blog!

Need your input

I'm working on some more interesting dodging and burning in photoshop a bit...do you think it's over done here? Comments and critiques appreciated.

Chomp!

This sapsucker is not too happy at being caught, or he was feeling hungry.

So tired with a headache, but here's a photo anyway

If you have good eyes you can see Ghost Ship Island. It is small, and very far away.

Stupid photo lab

Black's Photography will no longer be getting my business. I brought my rolls of film from Oregon to be developed and scanned there. I ordered the high resolution scan job so that if some turned out nice, I could print them up pretty big. Well, after two weeks i finally got them back today, and some did turn out nicely, except for two things: they did a low-resolution scan job, and the images are unusable because they didnt' line up the roll of film properly in the scanner...each file has half of one image and half of another. WTF! I am going to go scream at them, and hopefully get them to scan them again at high res for free (since I paid for low res).

bastards. I have to go back again! argh. I need to find a good shop that is reliable and doesn't screw things up. Any suggestions?

Crater's Edge

Looking down into the caldera at Crater Lake, snow is still melting there, in July.

Change

From worrying about what's going to happen in October, my feelings have changed to something different. Now I just miss CC so much...that I start getting teary-eyed, and it is difficult to think of anything else. I started a countdown, but I think I'll stop because it'll only remind me how long it is til she gets back.

In other news, the doctor's advice to sleep better? Start waking up earlier at a regular time every single day. They think I don't need a sleep study, because it is unlikely to show anything that they can help with. I have no sleep apnea, and I'm not going through a period of particularly high stress (although with a Masters due soon, maybe I should be). If I do have Restless Legs Syndrome, all the sleep study can do is confirm that, because there is no cure really. So, I just have to work on getting up at 8 every single day so that I am tired by 11 pm and ready to sleep, and also the regular sleep schedule helps with the insomnia.

hmmmm....

let's see....what photo to put tonight..... ah, here we go. A change in gears from recent photo posts.

This is a stream at the Goodbye Rest Stop on the road to Crater Lake, in Crater Lake National Park, Oregon.

SCRABBLE!!!!

update

feeling a bit better...now I just can't wait for CC to get back. hmmmm let's see.... T - 34 days!

Hope I sleep tonight...

GS

Worried

I talked to CC last night. It sucks only talking to her every 10 days or so. We talked about what's going to happen when she goes to France, and it was a bit depressing. I am really worried...especially since I've been looking for jobs there a little online, and there doesn't seem to be much. If I find a job in Toulouse, with her in Rennes it's better than being here, but it's still pretty damn long distance. We'd be able to see each other at most every weekend, if that. In Rennes there are no engineering jobs for me, at least not that I could find. I could try and find a job working at a photo lab or something, or for a photographer, but there are no guarantees for that. And it doesn't pay much, so paying rent would not be easy.

I guess I shouldn't worry about this just yet, we need to talk about it more when she gets back...but I can't help it, especially with her being so far away. I feel like we're growing apart. Things are getting complicated really fast, and it's rough.

Metal Man

A sculpture of a man made entirely out of machine parts. I can't claim to be the great artist here....feel like I'm just stealing this guy's work.

Insomnia

It took me 6 hours to fall asleep last night, even after taking 2 Sleepe-eze D extra strength pills. Six hours of tossing and turning and walking around, reading a book occasionally (but too tired to focus really). I felt so antsy that I couldn't lie still. Possibly I need some exercise? I haven't really had any in the last week.

needless to say I feel pretty useless at work today, even if physically I don't feel tired. My mental alertness feels so weird...kind of cloudy and unable to process things normally, but not really sleepy.

wtf is wrong with me?!

Skyward

Some wooden poles planted outside an art gallery on Queen street. This is actually a copy of someone else's idea, that I saw here. My version pales in comparison, but also, it is black and white which is a bit different. She must have done something cool with a filter possibly.

Tonight's Photo

Queen Street, in front of Osgoode Hall. An interesting Busker. I don't remember what his music was like, all I could think was that he was an interesting looking busker! :-P

Today's Photo

On a walkway between St. George street and King's College Circle, University of Toronto. Inspired by an Ansel Adams photograph.

Queen Street Character

Across the street from CAMH......

argh

My mind is scattered,
I cannot think.
Even after
I went for a drink.

More Toronto Streets

I met this mom and her twins in a latin american store in Kensington market. My sister was talking to her about babies, and she let me take a couple photos.

What is my problem?

Why can't I sleep tonight? The temperature is fine, I haven't had any coffee or caffeinated substances (besides a tiny bit of chocolate and a decaf), I've had my warm cup of milk, I'm horribly tired, and yet sleep doesn't come. I don't think I'm jetlagged, since I was going to sleep early when I was in Oregon. Weird...and today at work I was unable to function normally since I was so tired. Maybe I got used to having CC beside me, and now that she's not anymore I can't sleep. My sister told me once that whenever her husband would go away to a different country she couldn't sleep properly for a week or so...

Anyway, I guess I will look for jobs in France for a bit.

Toronto in June 2

I can't sleep so I'm posting another photo.

The proud owner of a fish market in Kensington market. Apparently his store is dangerous.

Toronto in June 1

An Indian buying veggies in Chinatown, photographed by a caucasian. I love that about Toronto.

Strangely coherent spam

his sweaty chest, pushed me away, and disappeared into the next stall.
By the time he passed four thousand feet he had reached terminal velocity,
it that time. Then we wouldn't be having any of these problems now. But it
fun," he said.

can't work....

I am having trouble focusing on the paper I'm supposed to be reading. I am way too tired right now. My room has been too hot these last couple nights so I haven't slept well. A few more minutes of effort and if I can't focus on it, I will give up and go home.

On another note, it seems like the holiday I had was good for me. The bugs I was trying to fix before were so easy now. I guess that is what holidays are for: refreshing your mind so you can work well again afterwards.

A holiday update

So, finally some (sort of) free time at work, so I can update my blog.

Two weeks and two days ago I raced my third 24 hour mountain biking race on a 5-man team. The first was a disaster, it was many years ago. I couldn't sit on my bike seat without horrible ass pains for the last lap. The second went much better, and we were fifth in our category (100-150 age group, that is, the sum of our ages falls in that range). And the latest one went even better: we won! I have never ever been on a podium for mountain biking, so it was quite a pleasant surprise. And I have a winner's jersey to prove it! :-)

After the race, I got home and finished packing my bags for my flight to Porland, Oregon, which was leaving at 8 am the next day. The flight went fine, and my cool penpal picked me up at the airport, which was awesome. I was too tired to really do anything that night, so we just hung around at her house and ate some pretty damn good indian food. The next morning we went to the Budget Rental place, where I picked up the nice new clean Ford Fusion...I was supposed to get a smaller crappier car, but I was early so they upgraded my rental to this thing! It was really cool because it had a 6-CD changer. Of course, I didn't have any CDs with me, so for now it was useless.

Anyway, with the radio for company, I took highway 26 all the way down to Smith Rock. This highway goes through Mt. Hood National Forest, and for a first-time driver in such a landscape it was amazing. They have the biggest most beautiful trees I've ever seen. And with views of Oregon's biggest mountain along with it, the drive was quite nice. Oregon also has desert, which to me was pretty interesting as well.

Smith Rock is a big volcanic formation kind of in the centre of Oregon. It is world famous among rock climbers. I was supposed to meet CC there at about noon on the 27th of June, which I did pretty accurately. I got there and she was all by herself sitting at a picnic table under a tree, hiding from the blistering sun...apparently the guy that was supposed to come climbing there with us had decided that it was way too hot to climb at Smith Rock (he was right) so CC was left to camp out in the little camp site there, without a tent!

As you can imagine we were pretty happy to see each other....it was so nice after such a long time. We climbed the rock to see the view (in the worst of the mid-day heat unfortunately), and back at the bottom we went for a dip in the (cow-dirty) creek. The park ranger dude we saw there then advised to go wash up in the camp site shower.

Anyhow, I'm not going to give you a full minute-by-minute replay of what we did. The first 2 days, CC had off, and the rest of the time she was working at her cabin in the middle of Fremont National Forest. The first 2 days, I met several of the other interns and her boss, we went climbing, and hiked up to Proxy Falls (in the rain), and Sahalie falls. Then back in her forest, we went on some nice hikes, to Gearhart mountain, among other things. Her boss was working at their site the whole time I was there, which was good and bad...he was pretty cool, and took us climbing (we did our first multi-pitch climbs!), and also helped us make some 'special' brownies and use some 'special' pipes. But at the same time I think I would have liked to spend more time with CC, alone, to get to know her again a bit better. In the end the boss gave us a day off at the end of my stay, so that we were able to go to Crater Lake (which would have been too far to drive to on a regular work day).

We drove out the night before and camped in the national park that surrounds the mountain/lake. Things were not looking good for our camping options because there was a huge thunder storm and it was hailing pea-sized pellets. Everywhere seemed to be covered in snow as well. Also, the park ranger told us it was going to rain for the next 3 days. We took our chances anyway, and camped there (for 18$ per night you'd expect free hot showers....but no! bastards). I slept better in my tent that night than I ever have before. Fortunately, the weather the next day was fantastic and we were able to climb up the side of the caldera to get better views of the lake. It is the bluest water I have ever seen. I have some photos that I will post once I get them back from the shop. I also recommended to the intern CC's working with that he go to Crater Lake when his girlfriend comes to visit.

Once we were done there, we went back to Klamath Falls and ate at a pretty decent Mexican restaurant, after searching in vain for a laundromat and an internet point. It was July 4th, and everything was closed, and the streets were all empty and dead. Rather a strange experience.

Anyway, that last day turned out to be really magical. It made up for some of the frustration that I had been feeling for a few days before that. I'd been having this feeling of not being good enough for CC compared to the other two guys there, and much less familiar and comfortable with her than they were, and so I'd been rather sullen and not fun, I guess. After spending that extra bit of time with her I realized that everything I'd felt before she left was still there and that I didn't need to worry one bit. When we got back to the camp, it must have been pretty obvious to the other guys that I felt much better, because I was in a way better mood!

The next day, I accompanied them in my car to their next banding site, and after a net run or two I said goodbye to CC and left. Leaving was horrible, knowing that I wouldn't see her for another month and a half. The drive back was much worse than the drive there, since I was driving away from her and not towards her anymore, even though I was seeing some fantastic scenery. I drove in silence the whole way, no radio at all.

When I got back to Portland, my cool penpal (CP) picked me up at the car rental place, and her first comment was that the car was so dirty, and her second comment was that I smelled bad! We quickly went home so that I could shower. The next day we wandered about in Portland, and saw some neat stuff like the Chinese Gardens, and Washington Park, and several closed restaurants (who knew they would all close between 2:30 and 5 pm?), among other things. I wasn't feeling in a very picturesque mood so I didn't take any pictures. You can see some at her blog, linked to on the right as 'not me, another me'. Next morning, I made her pancakes (with her own pancake mix because I didn't think to get any :-S) to show her how real maple syrup is supposed to be eaten (I brought her some when I got there), and then she took me to the airport and I flew away. I slept a lot on the flight home, except for a large part in the flight between Vancouver and Toronto in which an annoying dude behind was talking the ear off his neighbour the entire time....it was like a monologue, I didn't hear her say much the entire time, and I think they'd just met on the plane. I wanted to throw a pillow at him the whole time. Eventually I rolled up a napkin and stuck it in my ears. That helped a bit.

Anyway, that's a summary of my trip to Oregon. It was a good trip, and definitely worth it. Stay tuned for some photos.

ciaofornow
GSM

Back in Portland

I'm back in Portland after a week of outback living....I arrived smelly and tired (as my friend here quickly noticed when I got out of the car). I don't have much time, but I'd like to post a memorable quote from the early part of my trip. CC's boss saw my shirt and says
"Hey, do you play golf?"
"Nope, why?"
"That looks like a golf shirt."
"Oh, I think it's a tennis shirt."
"So do you play tennis?"
"Nope!"

hehe.
ok, off to visit Portland.