Still missing...

It was her birthday yesterday, so I thought it would be nice to give her a call. It was ok, we talked only briefly because she was out with her friends on her way to eat some cheesecake. They had evidently taken her out for her birthday, and had some drinks, so she was in a happy state. It was nice to hear her voice. But after not talking to her for nearly three weeks, it was a bit weird, and also made me think how much I still miss her. She is over there seeming pretty happy. Does she even think about me still? Why is it that I can't seem to stop thinking of her, but she seems to have gotten over me quite easily? There is a partial answer to that: she is in a new school, new city, meeting all sorts of new people and experiencing life somewhere else...but still.

Maybe she didn't like me as much as I liked her...but I don't believe that to be true, from what we said when we were still together. Maybe some people just get over these things more easily than others. Three weeks so far since the end, and it hasn't become much easier for me. In one week if I don't get better I am thinking of writing her a big long letter about what's going through my head. Is that a bad idea?

Anyway.....

I have another race this Sunday. I haven't trained all week, so I don't know what condition I will be in. Should be ok though, one week off shouldn't completely destroy my form. I'll have to go for a light ride on Saturday. In addition, the course is pretty well suited to my skill set...I am not the lightest mountain biker, so my power to weight ratio is not the highest (i.e. I can't climb steep hills too fast), but I have pretty good power overall, so anything that is flat I can do pretty well on. And that's what this Sunday's course is: lots of pretty flat double track, with some technical stuff thrown in, which I'm also not bad at. I hope to come in top 12 or 13, which I think is pretty realistic, if I've slept and eaten well and I feel good.

After two races I am sitting in sixth place overall!! A nice surprise, but it's because I have been to every event, and had at least some points in each one. It's especially cool, because when I started out racing on this team 6 years ago, I was nearly dead last of all categories, and 35 lbs. heavier...so being 6th in the fast category is pretty rewarding! (there are 2 categories, B (beginner) and A(advanced) so I'm in A).

Good luck to me this weekend!

I wonder

I talked to my ex today, briefly. I still like her so much (love? i dunno...I thought so at one point, but I'm not sure anymore). It's not as though she doesn't like me anymore either, but the timing for us to be together is not right. I'm coming to terms with the fact that we can't be together, but I wonder if I will be able to continue liking her as much as I do and still have other relationships? I suppose this must be possible: when someone breaks up with someone who really loves them, the love doesn't just disappear does it? it must go on forever no? only taking a different part of the mind. Unless of course the person that's been broken up with ends up hating the other...but that doesn't apply to me.

The question is, can I convert my ex into a good friend that I really like and can talk to easily? I think that would be really hard. I would always expect more. But we'll see. Like I said in my last post, I think I need to meet some girls to replace her in my mind and see what part of my head my ex ends up in. But it may take a couple months to get to that point! bah...

So many questions...so many things I wanted to do with her... :-(

What a weekend

So I ended up having a pretty decent weekend. Friday night was ok...I was feeling pretty depressed. Luckily, some friends from undergrad were getting together at a bar near my house, some people I hadn't seen in years! They'd been travelling to various parts of the world, so we traded travel stories and shared several pitchers of beer, followed by some pool. I got appropriately drunk, and stumbled home to sober up before going to sleep (I hate sleeping on a stomach full of beer...doesn't work for me...see the previous post about insomnia).

Saturday I woke up feeling pretty good! Went shopping at the market, ate some yummy mexican food, then went for a light bike ride in the Don Valley...good conditions, except that my knee was pretty sore (I've discovered that when I pedal my left knee moves from side to side a LOT! That definitely can't be good...gonna have to tweak my cleat angle on my shoe). Then I went home, ate some Chinese food (mostly rice), and went over to a friend's place to watch Elf (which is not a bad movie, if you can stand that dude that plays the elf...errr...Will Farrell..that's it).

All the rice that I ate Saturday night was in preparation for Sunday...There was a University Cup mountain biking race, and I happen to be on the University of Toronto mountain bike team. We arrived at the gym we meet at in the morning to board the bus, bright and early at 7, only to learn that the truck that takes our bikes up was only available from 9 AM...Budget rentals is a stupid company. The week before they opened at 7, yet somehow their hours are completely random and this week it was 9...not only that, but it closed at 3 pm on Saturday. Anyway, the bikes eventually made it to the race location, at Hardwood Hills. We were really lucky with the weather, it rained on us for most of the race!! it was just great. I especially loved the part about the mud, water and steam completely covering my glasses (which I need, obviously, to see the course), rendering it quite difficult to know where I was going. The other fun part was the loss of braking power...I don't have disc brakes so mud is not great for stopping. Loss of brakes and loss of vision at the same time make for a pretty exciting ride! (In all seriousness, it is actually fun!). I was riding pretty well for 3 of the four laps...I had a bad start though, since I had to go pee just before the race and when I got out, everyone had already lined up, and I ended up right at the back. After 1 lap, I was in 20th (out of 31), after 2 I was in 17th, after 3 I was in 13th or so...Then disaster struck: in a tight technical climb, my left foot caught on a log sticking into the course, causing me to fall over. That wouldn't be so bad, except that while my foot was being pulled back it caused a massive cramp in my calf, which slowed me down for the rest of the race. I ended up in 15th. After the race we all cleaned our bikes (and ourselves) at the bike wash station.

In the ongoing effort to get over my (ex-) girlfriend dumping me, I struck up a conversation with one of the nice girls on the team...she's pretty cool, does lots of neat stuff that I like, but is moving back to BC in November, and I don't know what her status is. So that's hopeless. I am finding it difficult to talk to other girls without comparing them to her and deciding she (my ex that is) is better. I feel like I need to talk to more girls though, to try and see that my ex is not the only one out there for me...but the problem is, I don't know where to find any that I might be interested in. I work in a place where there are 2 girls for 20 guys...the choice is limited. I learned to Swing dance a couple years ago, and recently joined the mailing list for the U of T swing dancing club...maybe I will go to one of the events there.

Another thing is, I really don't know what to say to my ex anymore, when I see her online. We are definitely 'distancing'...and that really hurts. I don't want to drift apart. At the same time, since we are not together, it is probably better to do so. Makes me think of a U2 song..."i can't live....with or without you", except in my case it's more like it hurts to talk to her, but it hurts also NOT to talk to her. gah.

I haven't talked to my ex on MSN for a week or so...but last night I posted a funny pic of me from the weekend and she said (after I had gone to sleep) "hahaha...your display pic is...". So I am waiting for her to get back online to hear the end of the sentence.

Ok...that's it for today.

My first blog
So here we go, I have now joined the world of the bloggers. I had said that I would never do this. I thought that my web site would be enough to show people what I'm about, but I realised that I need somewhere to just rant, easily and anonymously. I've been going through a bit of a rough time recently. My girlfriend broke up with me two weeks ago, and I've been harassing my close friends talking about it the whole time, and thought maybe I should find an alternate outlet for my thoughts.

So my girlfriend broke up with me...big deal you might say. Well sadly it was my first real girlfriend, and it is thus pretty hard to deal with. Also, the reason we broke up is so stupid and frustrating: she had to move away and there is no way I can go. Things were great. I could not have been happier. I felt like I was drunk when I was with her.

Ok, I have to stop thinking about this for today, since I will have trouble falling asleep if I don't.

That's another thing about me. I'm nearly an insomniac half of the time...does that make sense? Doesn't matter. Half of the time I have a really hard time sleeping...just can't seem to turn off my brain computer.